Last month my I got a text that read, “Do we get a syllabus for grieving? Because I think I’m failing and its midterms.”
The sender was a dear friend from college (let’s call her Linda as I’m not sure if she wants to be “internet famous”) who had just lost her mom who she was incredibly close to.
Linda juggles a high‑stress job, a marriage, and two kids who are about to trade their messy rooms for dorms.
In other words, she couldn’t hit a pause button on life just because her heart did.
She felt pressure to get back to “normal” when she wasn’t sure what that meant anymore.
We sat on my porch swing and ate homemade banana bread (slightly burned around the edges, (because grief has no respect for timers and I’m no Martha Stewart).
Between laughs and tears, I noticed how often she apologized for “still being upset.”
Somewhere along the way we internalized the idea that grief is like IKEA furniture. If you follow the instructions and tighten the right Allen screws, you’ll end up with a perfectly assembled life by a reasonable deadline.
But life doesn’t come with instructions to follow (if they did they would probably be in Chinese anyways).
And most of us think we are somehow supposed to instinctively know what to do when our lives have been completely upended.
We look around at how others have handled grief and think; “Wow, why am I not completely together like they were when so and so passed?”.
When they were probably just as big of a mess inside but did a better job hiding it (which is also NOT healthy as all of that pressure will most likely boil over in other areas of their life).
As my friends and I continued talking we decided to put together a list of healthy ways to heal after losing a loved on, I’d like to share these with you here now…
5 Ways to Heal after Losing a Loved One
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Allow yourself to feel everything
Linda kept telling herself to “stay strong,” which apparently translates to “swallow all feelings until you sprain your emotional esophagus.”
Acknowledging pain is part of healing and grief triggers a whole kaleidoscope of emotions.
Good and bad.
You might feel anger when you should feel sad, or relief and guilt simultaneously. That doesn’t make you ungrateful or heartless; it makes you human.
Cry if you need to. Yell into a pillow. Whatever it takes.
Emotions are like waves: if you fight them, they knock you over, but if you ride them, you eventually get back to shore.
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Forget the timeline myth
Contrary to every movie montage ever made, there’s no standardized timeline for grieving.
Some people start to feel more like themselves after months; others measure the process in years.
And here’s a secret…
No one ever truly gets over a big loss.
Even decades later, you might feel a wave of sadness when your child graduate’s college and your mom isn’t there to enjoy that moment with you.
That doesn’t mean you’re “doing it wrong.”
Healing isn’t linear — it’s more like a roller coaster.
You have good days, bad days, and days when you find yourself crying in the grocery aisle because the cereal your mom always bought is on sale.
Let it be messy. There’s no test to try to pass.
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Lean on your people (and let them lean on you)
One of the biggest lessons I learned from Linda’s experience is that support systems matter.
Friends and family often worry that bringing up the person who died will hurt you, but many people find it helpful to share memories and stories together.
You don’t have to go it alone — whether it’s a weekly phone call with your sister, joining a support group, or texting GIFs to a fellow night‑owl friend at 2 a.m. (because grief doesn’t respect sleep schedules).
Accept help when it’s offered; people feel helpless when someone they love is hurting and letting them bring over lasagna or mow your lawn gives them a role.
And if you prefer solitude right now, that’s okay too — just don’t isolate yourself indefinitely.
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Take care of your body to support your heart
Grief isn’t just emotional; it can wreak havoc on your body causing trouble sleeping, appetite changes, and concentration problems.
So, take care of yourself physically to support yourself emotionally…
Go outside for a walk, even if your only exercise is normally pacing between the couch and the fridge.
Eat something somewhat healthy (pizza rolls are not a food group).
Try to sleep (even if you have to resort to listening to the most boring podcast you can find).
And maybe skip that third glass of wine (yeah, this is a tough one I know) as coping with grief by leaning on unhealthy habits often makes you feel worse in the long run.
Remember, selfcare isn’t indulgent; it’s survival.
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Know when to ask for professional help
There’s a difference between the normal ebb and flow of grief and complicated grief, where the sorrow becomes too intense to handle.
If months have passed and you still struggle to get out of bed, feel numb or hopeless most of the time, or have thoughts of harming yourself…
Please seek help instead of just listening to a writer with questionable baking skills like me.
Remember, therapy and support groups exist because grief can sometimes be more than friends and burnt banana bread can handle.
There’s no shame in getting help…
It’s actually a sign of courage.
If cost is an issue, look for sliding‑scale clinics or online support options.
And if you or someone you love is in crisis, reach out to local helplines immediately.
A quick note from my lawyerly alter‑ego
Everything above comes from personal experience and conversations over soggy napkins.
It is definitely not medical advice.
If you’re experiencing severe depression, anxiety, or thoughts of harming yourself, contact a mental health professional or call a helpline right away.
Frequently Asked Questions About Accepting Loss As We Age
Q: Is it normal to still miss my parent years after they’re gone?
Absolutely. Grief has no expiration date. Even years later, special events like weddings or holidays can trigger fresh waves of emotion. Missing them doesn’t mean you haven’t healed; it means they mattered.
Q: What is complicated grief and how do I know if I have it?
Complicated grief is a prolonged, intense reaction to loss that prevents you from living your life.
Signs include being unable to accept the death, feeling preoccupied with the person or the circumstances, and having trouble resuming day‑to‑day activities. If this sounds familiar, reach out to a mental health professional.
Q: How can I support a friend who has lost a parent?
Show up, listen, and resist the urge to “fix” it.
Offer practical help (meals, errands) and be willing to talk about the person who died. Check in long after the funeral casseroles have disappeared.
Most importantly, remember there’s no timeline — your friend may need your patience months or even years later.
